Food Intolerance Haikus
When I laugh, you would laugh too. I’ve been told my laugh is more infectious than the Ebola virus and stomach flu, combined. One time, I made a tent full of people laugh so hard that people came running in to see what was going on. All they got to see was a Chinese woman squealing louder than a penguin being tickled.
In the world of food allergies, intolerances, autoimmune diseases, and chronic illnesses, food journalism is an understandably serious subject. I do not write nearly as often as I should or could, mostly because I spend a lot of time researching food subjects and “getting it right.” My readers deserve the best.
However, I thought it was time to also give you a little lightness and levity in the midst of all that seriousness. Why now? Because if I have to add the indignity of having had 21 days of runny, antibiotic-driven diarrhea post dog bite to the 2017 year, I might as well throw in there the bowel prep for a colonoscopy (wait for it) — three days before Thanksgiving Day. Nothing worse than clear liquid poo to make me want to crack a few jokes.
Yes, I chose this. It’s the right time, I’m due for a colonoscopy, our insurance will cover most of the cost, and it is still magnesium citrate hell. Maybe I’ll get an IV chaser or two afterwards.
So for your reading pleasure, and for kicks and giggles, here are my lovingly crafted Food Intolerance Haikus (with references to autoimmune disease and my chronic illness, Medullary Sponge Kidney). I hope to add to these every year. Feel free to share with others who understand.
And yes, I do know that food allergies, intolerances, Autoimmune Disease, and Chronic Illnesses, in themselves, are not funny. Adults and children suffer and some die from complications of these conditions. I am not making fun of them, but rather the eye-rolling situations many of us find ourselves in every day of the year as we manage to make food fun again.
As a reminder, I don’t edit for course language. It is what it is. Parental discretion is advised.
Carry on (and read more for the silly haikus).
Food Intolerance Haikus
Ingredient List If it is "healthy" Why does it have so many dumb ingredients? Herpetiformis Dermatitis You always show up On that joint, right on my back Where I cannot reach Barf Break I look in that bowl Sparkling clean, while drops of vomit splash high Corn Oil A special hell for any resto who uses corn oil, period
Sorry, Not Sorry You baked this for me, It has nuts, oats, and quinoa Sorry, not sorry.
No, You Didn't You did not just brush most of the peanut pieces off that dish, did you? No Buffet For You The smallest drop of creamy salad dressing floats on non-dairy one Resto Gluten-Free Pizza I had to have you, but you had me at "Hello, huge hospital bill" Holiday Food Blues Butter, milk, garlic mash potatoes and stuffing, no pie for GF MSK (Medullary Sponge Kidney) I never knew it, my kidney has its own way Honks louder than car I Can Have This No forgiveness, I prepare to swan dive into flourless choco cake Submission Ideas from Friends: Free, Not Free Gluten “free”, nut “free”, Corn “free”, soy “free”? Then, why is it so costly, hmm? (submitted by K. Rapp) Full Body Hose Off New house rule, you eat wheat, barley, rye, dairy? Full body hose off. (idea submission, A. Han) Waiter Doesn't Know Gluten Waiter doesn’t know Go ask about it again Fuck up and I sue (submitted by M) Toxic Gas Small amount of milk Potential generation Such a toxic gas (submitted by S. Raybuck